If you play an online game that you enjoy, there's one surefire way to spoil the experience: read the forums on the official site. There you will find a vast underworld of lost souls keening their misery onto your screen. A game you thought was entertaining, well-balanced and attractive will be torn apart before your very eyes and pronounced lacking in every conceivable way.
It doesn't matter that the complainers spend as much time on the game as you do, and probably more. While they may disagree on the nature of the flaws, they are united in agreement that whatever those flaws may be, they are unforgivable.
Herewith then, a guide to the deranged, degraded inhabitants of the forums. You cannot defeat them, they provide precious little experience, but if they get their claws on you, they may turn you into one of their own.
The Power Craver
Wants only one thing -- more power with less effort. Any downgrade in power is infuriating. Any upgrade is insufficient.
Sample Quote: "I can't believe they nerfed the pillar of lava spell! How am I supposed to kill twelve ogres at once now?"
Punishment: Forced to admit that no matter how powerful in the game, still works as a cashier at Kroger in real life.
The Magical Realist
Doesn't understand what a "game" is. Constantly makes arguments based on what would be "realistic," even if the game is set in a fantasy world run by wizards and pixies.
Sample Quote: "You can't tell me a Mondlagarian Tiger Warrior is stronger than a Swamp Troll. That just doesn't make sense!"
Punishment: Sent back to kindergarten for remedial make-believe classes.
The Majority Stockholder
Seems to believe that $15 a month buys you a seat on the board of directors. Doesn't realize that a hundred thousand other people are ponying up the same amount.
Sample Quote: "I've e-mailed the developers several times telling them that Fire Paladins should have the axe-throwing skill. They haven't changed it, but they're still taking my money!."
Punishment: Forced to work customer service for an online game company.
Sees the game as a titanic struggle between the evil expressive developers and the poor, downtrodden gamers. The evidence? Every rule and limitation in the game.
Sample Quote: "I don't see why I have to complete quests to get epic weapons! If I want my second-level Bumblefur Bard to wield the Deathsword of Arat'rak'k'k'k, that's my right! Quit telling me how to play!"
Punishment: Sent to Sudan to experience first-hand what oppression actually feels like.
The Eternal Quitter
Just comes on the forum to let everyone know he's quitting for good and to spend a dozen paragraphs explaining why. Then does it again three months later.
Sample Quote: "For real, this time."
Punishment: Forced to actually quit.
Only has one complaint, but posts about it 15 times a day. This is because nobody else cares.
Sample Quote: "THE LAVENDER STARBELT IS ACTUALLY PERIWINKLE!!!! WHY DON'T THEY FIX THIS??!!!?!"
Punishment: Lavender Starbelt changed to lilac.
Wants a bunch of cosmetic changes to a single type of character. Exhibits an eerie level of identification with said character.
Sample Quote: "The Pastry Elves' laugh should be less bubbly and more tinkly. Our giggle should remind you of gazing at the stars as a child, and our smile should make you think of the taste of honey on a cool spring morning."
Punishment: Character icon replaced with accurate photograph of self.
Main complaint about the game is that you can't kill everything. Secondary complaint is that the things you can kill don't suffer enough.
Sample Quote: "Why can't I make the baker watch me kill his wife and child, then force-feed their flesh to him until his stomach bursts? What is this, Barbie's Horse Adventure?"
Punishment: To be determined, pending DNA analysis of freezer contents.