"When you're married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you're single, you wanna kill yourself. Better her than me."
"If you've never contemplated murder, you've never been in love."
On Gay Marriage:
"Gay people have the right to be as miserable as the rest of us."
On the still unsolved murder of Tupac Shakur:
"You mean to tell me that they could find Saddam Hussein in a hole in the ground and you can't tell me who shot Tupac? They found Saddam Hussein in fuckin Iraq! Tupac got shot in VEGAS! On the strip!! In front of Circus Circus!!!"
On planned obsolesence:
"They have metal on the space shuttle that can fly around the moon and withstand tempuratures of up to 40,000 degrees. You mean to tell me that they can't make an El Dorado where the fuckin bumper don't fall off?"
On taxes:
"The bad thing is that you don't pay taxes. They TAKE taxes. You get your check, money's gone. That ain't a payment, that's a jack!"
On insurance:
"They shouldn't even call it insurance. They should call it "In-Case-Shit". I give you money in case shit happens. Now, if shit DON'T happen, shouldn't I get my money back?"
On politics:
"Everybody wants to be down with a gang. 'I'm liberal, I'm conservative.' How about being a person first? Anybody who makes up their mind before they hear the entire issue is a fuckin fool. Listen! Let it swirl around your head for a while, THEN form an opinion! No sane person is any one thing. I have some stuff I'm conservative about, I have some stuff I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!"
