The Cub Your Mother Warned You About (jrcubindy) wrote,
The Cub Your Mother Warned You About
jrcubindy

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Just something I found amusing....



1. Underwear, cock ring or jockstrap. Choose only ONE, please.

2. Fantasy men are appealing because they're fantasies. Reality bites, ace.

3. Kiss him, you fool!

4. If he won't kiss you, he's a lousy lay.

5. Make an impression and wear new underwear. Skid marks are a turnoff.

6. The best sex includes equal amounts of foreplay, sex and afterplay.

7. Help him get undressed.

8. Never have sex to any song that has been lip-synced by a drag queen. Especially if you're having sex with one.

9. If you can't buy condoms or rent a porno without blushing, you're not ready to have sex.

10. Never use the word "man-pussy". EVER.

11. Never have sex somewhere you wouldn't want to be photographed.

12. Expect all photographs to end up on the internet.

13. You are not the only one who likes to receive oral sex.

14. "Blowjob" is a misnomer. Suck, don't blow. And for God's sake, don't bite.

15. Your gag reflex is there for a reason. Work WITH it, not against it. If you run into trouble, relax and breathe.
a) If his dick points up, suck him off 69 style.
b) If his dick points down, lie on your back, hang your head over the edge of the bed, and have him aim it slowly down your throat.

16. Thanks, but not everybody wants your cum on his face.

17. If he does have your cum on his face, don't refuse to kiss him. It's YOUR spunk. Deal with it.

18. Rinse with mouthwash before sex. Having spinach on your teeth is embarrassing. Leaving spinach on his dick is disastrous.

19. No, your asshole won't get stretched out by big cocks or too much fucking. It's a muscle. Regular use makes it stronger, not weaker.

20. When he takes off his pants, be prepared for any size penis. Screaming with terror or laughter is not appropriate.

21. Work his nipples. Licking and biting can be good, but chewing...eh, not so much.

22. Anybody with your dick in his mouth is a queer. Don't argue the point with him. Let him have his fantasy. It's a one-night stand, not a debate on the semantics of sexuality.

23. Gerbling is a myth. If you're dumb enough to want to try, you shouldn't be having sex at all.

24. Semen has 35 calories per serving; when using a condom, it has zero.

25. Tounges and testicles should be best friends. Let them spend time together. Often.

26. It's hard to engage in pillow talk with a full mouth. Save the conversation for later.

27. Ask him about his sexual fantasies. Tell him about yours. He might do it, you know.

28. If you like what he's doing, say something! Feedback is important. Giving back is even more so.

29. Try flavored lube.

30. Semen and body hair tend to clot drains. Use condoms tend to clog pipes.

31. Always keep breath mints nearby.

32. If you own a lot of sex toys, don't try to play innocent.

33. The difference between anoymous and non-anonymous sex is knowing the guys name. Repeat his name silently to yourself a couple of dozen times during foreplay. This can prevent screaming the wrong name during the actual act.

34. Don't name your penis. Straight men name their penis. If you've already done so, don't refer to it by name during sex.

35. Find your limits and communicate them. Trips to the hospital are a total buzz-kill.

36. Not everyone is into spanking. Ask before you whack his ass.

37. Find out ways of making dental dams fun. Then tell your friends. Consider renting out a billboard.

38. There is no instance when yelling, "Who's your daddy?" is erotic.

39. Stuffing your pants is the surest path to self-sabotage.

40. Once you reach adulthood, your dick size will NEVER change. EVER. Get used to it. Accept it. Love it.

41. Don't expect a man's race to indicate his dick size.

42. Only porn stars can pull off "Oh yeah, bitch. Suck that cock. You like that cock, don't you?" So don't even try.

43. Never let him do anything to you that you can't (or aren't willing to) reciprocate.

44. No matter how hot the roomate, get a feel for their interests before suggesting a three-way.

45. A three-way means there are three people who want to have sex. If you aren't interested in the third, then don't have a three-way.

46. Three-ways will never save your relationship. Ever. But they're still really fun.

47. Sex is messy. If you're worried about your upholstery, do it on the floor.

48. The best tops will occassionally bottom. The best bottoms will occassionally top.

49. If you're going to try something new and/or possibly dangerous, research the activity and lower your expectations.

50. Discover the power of the perineum.

51. Pity sex is not worth it.

52. Visualize where your cock is inside his ass. Move it around. Vary your speed. Have him clench his butt muscles around your cock. It feels great, trust me.

53. Only porn stars should have sex at work.

54. Never play at bondage with somebody you wouldn't loan your credit card to.

55. Everybody farts; work around it, wash yourself well, and don't take anything that happens too seriously.

56. The three keys to mastering anal sex: lube, lube and lube.

57. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. Practice with toys first to test your tolerance levels.

58. If he carries baby oil into the sauna, he's a sure thing.

59. Your rectum is a powerful muscle. Never put anything remotely breakable up it, or anything small enough to slip out of your grasp, for obvious reasons.

60. Always pee before receiving anal sex. Otherwise, if he manages your prostate, you will both get very wet.

61. Pee after you cum. It burns a little, but helps to prevent urethral infections.

62. If you're a premature ejaculator, practice by yourself first. Bring yourself to the brink, then stop and think about golf. Recite the alphabet. Think of England. Then bring yourself to the brink again, stop, etc. Repeat until you cum when you want to cum.

63. Try holding your breath when you cum. Try yelling when you come.

64. Don't always have sex in the dark. Good lighting can be your friend.

65. Play dress-up sometime. If you don't have costumes you want, make them from stuff around the house. It's like kinky arts and crafts.

66. Read about every STD, and if you get an STD, tell your partner, tell your tricks, and tell your doctor. It's not the end of the world.

67. It's ok to fantasize about other men during sex.

68. Porn is fuel for fantasies. Period. Take notes, get ideas, but never feel like you have to measure up.

69. Sex is supposed to be fun. If you're not having fun, walk away.
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