The Cub Your Mother Warned You About (jrcubindy) wrote,
The Cub Your Mother Warned You About
jrcubindy

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Stolen from a succession of people, ending with seraphic_slayer


FANS: Alright, fine, we'll give Brett Ratner a chance.

MAGNETO: Look at me, I'm young.

FANS: BOOOOOO! SINCE WHEN DO X-MEN MOVIES START WITH A FLASHBACK!?

BRETT RATNER: ...since the first movie?

FANS: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!



XAVIER: Hey, I can walk! Hallelujah, thank you Jesus! Mein Fuhrer, I can valk... oh wait, it's a flashback. Thanks for nothing, Jesus.

JESUS: Maybe you should've thought about this when you started in with your heathen "evo-lution."

MAGNETO: So, we ever going to figure out how you winded up in a wheelchair?

XAVIER: I think I'll let a friend field that question.

LOCKE: Don't tell me what I can't do! This is my destiny!

***

XAVIER: What the hell? What are Bobby's parents from X2 doing here?

BOBBY'S PARENTS: We're not Bobby's parents.

XAVIER: But it even says...

JEAN'S PARENTS: No it doesn't.

JEAN: Hey, I have all sorts of cool powers.

MAGNETO: Oh really? Show us.

STAN LEE CAMEO: Huzzah!

XAVIER: She has summoned the Stan Lee Force!

MAGNETO: Face front, true believer.

***

WARREN WORTHINGTON II: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO: Warren, are you in there? Warren, come out here right now! We've talked about masturbation euphemisms as code for puberty with Spider-Man. Remember, webbing is not...

WARREN WORTHINGTON III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK: Coming dad!

WARREN WORTHINGTON II: JUDGMENT DAY: Oh my God! You've caught bird flu!

***

WOLVERINE: X-Men rollcall!

STORM: I'm Storm! In the comics, I'm marrying Black Panther because we're both black.

CYCLOPS: You see why people don't like Reginald Hudlin's writing?

STORM: Anyway, I give out orders and such since I'm kinda the leader.

CYCLOPS: Thanks a whole lot for getting the ball rolling on THAT, Claremont. I'm Cyclops and I'm only in this movie because I was in the first two.

WOLVERINE: Really? I don't remember you in the second one and I STARRED in it. I'm Wolverine and I'm the hero, because "mysterious past," "lone wolf," and "adamantium claws" are more interesting than "I wear sunglasses at night" over here.

CYCLOPS: Fuck you.

WOLVERINE: Go write about it on your LiveJournal, bitch.

ICEMAN: I'm Bobby Drake, aka Iceman! And no, I wasn't in Top Gun!

ROGUE: I'm Rogue! In the comic books, I'm notable mainly for not being able to have sex with Gambit while flying around with superstrength and calling people "sugah." Here, I actually have a character arc beyond "I can't touch people, boohoo!"

FANS: Character development? WE HATE THAT!

KITTY: Hey, remember me? I was in the first two movies for about five seconds. Now not only am I an X-Man, but I get more screentime than Cyclops! I also inspired Buffy and starred in that child molestor movie. In the comics, I was turned into a ninja by one of Wolverine's enemies before becoming an Agent of SHIELD all while I was still "thirteen and a half." Here, I kinda have a thing for Bobby. You tell me which is more realistic.

COLOSSUS: Hey, remember me? I cameoed in the second movie and I'm still played by the same actor! In the comics, I have a borderline pedophilic relationship with Kitty and I eventually die from Mutant AIDS. Here, I'm really strong.

NIGHTCRAWLER: I'm Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.

***

STORM: So, we're fighting a Sentinel! But not really!

WOLVERINE: But it's okay, since we finally got the Danger Room in. What it is, fanboys? Also, Fastball Special.

FANS: You can't buy our love! ...Okay, that was a lie.

***

BEAST: Dootdoodoodadoo... reading a magazine upside-down, la la la...

NILES: Fraiser, I need to ask you a question about Mariss...

BEAST: No, no, I'm not Fraiser, I'm "Hank McCoy."

NILES: Right. Oh, while I'm here, we caught Mystique.

BEAST: Wait. Wouldn't that sequence have been a better opening scene than the whole Danger Room thing?

NILES: No. And we need to give Eddie a bath, he smells something fierce.

BEAST: Ummm... that's me.

***

CYCLOPS: Emo emo emo emo...

WOLVERINE: Cheer up, emo boy!

CYCLOPS: I MISS JEAN!

***

BEAST: Hey guys, remember me?

STORM: Yeah. Thanks for all the "help" you gave us when Magneto tried to blow up the world.

WOLVERINE: And when Stryker tried to kill us all.

BEAST: Who?

WOLVERINE: Stryker.

STORM: Oww!

BEAST: Gets 'em every time.

***

WARREN WORTHINGTON II: THE WRAITH OF KHAN: I'm proud to annouce that we have found a cure for mutation.

STORM: Why would anyone want a cure? It's awesome being a mutant.

BEAST: Seriously? I'm standing right here. Not all of us look like Halle Berry, dumbass.

STORM: But why would anyone want to give up a power like not being able to ever touch another living thing? Right Rogue?

ROGUE: Hmmm...

***

MUTANTS: Rabble rabble rabble...

MAGNETO: Hey, you know what would solve this problem? Killing all humans.

MUTANTS: You say that about everything. You said that about not bringing enough donuts to the last meeting!

MAGNETO: If all the humans were dead, there'd be more donuts for us, now wouldn't there?

CALLISTO: Me and the Morlocks are joining you because of your impeccable logic.

MAGNETO: Wait, who are you?

CALLISTO: I'm Callisto.

MAGNETO: No, seriously.

CALLISTO: I'm super-fast and can track other mutants.

MAGNETO: Yes, but who are you?

CALLISTO: Callisto.

MAGNETO: What?

CALLISTO: No, what's on second.

MAGNETO: I don't know.

PYRO: THIRD BASE!

***

CYCLOPS: Jean! You're back!

JEAN: Yes. And I'm so glad you've been faithful to me!

EMMA FROST: Off we go, tippity-toe...

CYCLOPS: Well, gee, I don't know what to say.

JEAN: Take off your glasses.

CYCLOPS: No!

JEAN: I'm giving you a choice: either take off these glasses or start eatin' that trash can.

CYCLOPS: Not this year.

JEAN: OK. All right. OK.

CYCLOPS: GAK!

***

GUARD: Ah, one week till retirement. Then me and the wife are gonna take our boat and sail round the world. We'll get back just in time for my daughter's wedding!

MYSTIQUE: If you don't stop talking about your life, I will kill you.

GUARD: C'mon. We're transporting a load of dangerous mutant criminals, one of whom is best friends with an evil supervillain. What could possibly go wrong?

MAGNETO: 'Sup?

MYSTIQUE: Hey, guy with whom I have squicky sexual tension. Let me introduce some of the new villains. This is Multiple Man.

MAGNETO: I thought you were a good guy.

MULTIPLE MAN: MOVIEVERSE, BABY!

MAGNETO: And who is this?

JUGGERNAUT: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

MAGNETO: Wait a minute, isn't that an actual line from the movie?

JUGGERNAUT: Yes. Yes it is.

MYSTIQUE: Erik, watch out!

GUARD: Take this!

MYSTIQUE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hey, human now. Well, that only defies most of the laws of physics.

MAGNETO: Yeah, you're out of the He-Mutant Human-Haters Club.

FANS: Boo! Since when does Magneto have a vehement, unreasoning hatred, a "prejudice" if you will, against humans?

MAGNETO: Maybe... since that time I tried to commit genocide?

***

ANGEL: Hey, remember me? I'm one of the thousand subplots.

WARREN WORTHINGTON II: DIE HARDER: Now to force you into a life choice you don't want, just as all good fathers do.

ANGEL: How 'bout no?

DR. RAO: I was a terrorist on 24!

ANGEL: I'm outta here!

***

STORM: Wow, Alkali Lake is a lot foggier than I remember.

WOLVERINE: Too bad one of us doesn't CONTROL THE WEATHER.

STORM: Oh? Oh! Right. Sorry. SNIKT!

WOLVERINE: Hey!

STORM: Yeah, well, I need a mutant power activation sound too.

WOLVERINE: Hey, Cyclops' glasses! Hey, Storm, check this out. (puts on glasses) "Gee willlikers, rules sure are swell!"

STORM: Logan, look! It's Jean!

WOLVERINE: You think she wants to see my impression?

***

XAVIER: Jean obviously survived by making a telepathic cocoon.

WOLVERINE: That's good!

XAVIER: But it also means her evil split-personality, the Phoenix, has come out.

WOLVERINE: That's bad!

***

PHOENIX: I want you to do me a favor.

JEAN: Yeah, sure...

PHOENIX: I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

JEAN: What? In the face?

PHOENIX: Surprise me.

JEAN: Well, what do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you?

PHOENIX: C'mon, do me this one favor.

JEAN: Why?

PHOENIX: Why? I don't know why; I don't know. Never been in a fight. You?

JEAN: No, but that's a good thing.

PHOENIX: No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself, you've never been in a fight? I don't wanna die without any scars. So come on; hit me before I lose my nerve.

JEAN: This is crazy.

PHOENIX: So go crazy. Let 'er rip.

JEAN: I don't know about this.

PHOENIX: I don't either. Who gives a shit? No one's watching. What do you care?

JEAN: Whoa, wait, this is crazy. You want me to hit you?

PHOENIX: That's right.

JEAN: What, like in the face?

PHOENIX: Surprise me.

JEAN: This is so fucking stupid...

PHOENIX: Motherfucker! You hit me in the ear!

JEAN: Well, Jesus, I'm sorry.

PHOENIX: Ow, Christ... why the ear, man?

JEAN: Guess I fucked it up...

PHOENIX: No, that was perfect!

***

WOLVERINE: Hey.

JEAN: Hey. Speaking of our unresolved sexual tension...

WOLVERINE: Yeah?

JEAN: How 'bout a little resolution? Ride me like Seabiscuit!

WOLVERINE: Wait a minute, what about your husband?

JEAN: You can fuck him too!

WOLVERINE: How did you know I... no, I mean, why'd you kill him?

JEAN: I killed him offscreen in a comic book movie, he'll be fine.

WOLVERINE: Murder! That hardly ever turns me on! Maybe we could just cuddle...

JEAN: Cuddle this!

WOLVERINE: Safe word! Safe word! Ow! Now I really do have a headache!

***

XAVIER: Hey, this is Moira MacTaggert. From the comics?

MOIRA: I have a cameo!

XAVIER: You go bye-bye now. Hey Storm, Logan, 'sup?

WOLVERINE: Jean's gone crazy and is probably headed home to kill her parents or whatever.

XAVIER: But... but the Cure...

STORM: We can get back to that incredibly important plot point later! C'mon! Whoa, Professor, watch out, you nearly ran over that black cat running in front of you.

XAVIER: Luckily I managed to avoid it by moving under this ladder. Oh! Good news! We just closed escrow on our dream house.

STORM: Wonderful! When do we move in?

XAVIER: Tuesday.

WOLVERINE: Aw, that's great.

XAVIER: Things just couldn't be better for us. I'm so blessed.

WOLVERINE: That reminds me, your life insurance forms came for you to sign.

XAVIER: Hah. Can't find my lucky pen.

WOLVERINE: Oh, I'll find another one.

XAVIER: That's okay. I'll sign it after we save Jean.

STORM: Well, you know best.

XAVIER: Hon, you know that global warming problem? I've discovered how we can reverse it!

STORM: Really? Tell me.

XAVIER: Not just yet, tiger. There'll be plenty of time for that later. But my investigation into JFK's assassination is going well.

WOLVERINE: You found the proof?

XAVIER: Yes. The evidence's in my pocket. It's big, really big. Goes all the way to the top.

WOLVERINE: Do you want me to hold it for you?

XAVIER: Nah, we're going to confront a super-powerful telepath. Where could we be safer?

WOLVERINE: Oh, Chuck. We just couldn't be anymore perfectly happy.

***

MAGNETO: Phoenix, join me and together we can be the dual supervillains required by all superhero sequels for vague reasons!

XAVIER: Don't do it, Jean!

JEAN: They both make such good points!

MAGNETO: You have a choose... dude who played Gandalf or dude who played Captain Picard.

XAVIER: Shut it, Dumbledore.

MAGNETO: You shut it, Sheridan.

XAVIER: Zedd.

MAGNETO: Mal.

XAVIER: Merlin.

MAGNETO: O'Neil.

JEAN: Hmmm... Xavier took me in, introduced me to my future husband, while Magneto has tried to kill me and my loved ones several times... still, always best to try new things.

XAVIER: GAK!

***

STORM: We are gathered here today to pay tribute to Xavier, who in the comics ended up having sex with some alien chick who had a sideways mohawk. He died, as is traditional for mentor characters in Campbellian story arcs.

WOLVERINE: Why!? I hate Campbellian storytelling!

STORM: So do all who live through such times. But that is not for us to decide. All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given us.

MAGNETO: Bitch stole my line!

***

BEAST: Maybe we should honor Professor X's memory by shutting down the one thing he spent his life's work building.

STORM: How 'bout no, retard?

BEAST: But maybe we should!

STORM: You bring up an interesting point.

ANGEL: Hey, is this place still offering shelter to runaway teens?

STORM: Our doors are always open for Spacker Dave.

***

BRETT RATNER: Right, throw the dart at the board again... and the next subplot we're going to develop is the Kitty/Bobby/Rogue love triangle.

KITTY: I like skating.

FANS: This is so unfaithful to the comics!

ROGUE: Oh mah God! Bobby's skating with another girl! Next he could be giving her a friendly, supportive hug!

***

ICEMAN: Rogue? Rogue?

PYRO: Oh, she came here looking for a cure so she can actually touch people? What a pussy.

ICEMAN: No, you're the pussy!

PYRO: Take it back!

ICEMAN: I won't fight you!

PYRO: Not even to stop me from bombing this clinic.

ICEMAN: Well, there's another bit of subtext we'll give a cursory-at-best examination of.

***

MAGNETO: Since we abandoned our super-cool base in the first movie, this campsite will do just as well as a site for my super-badass terrorist cell.

RANGER RICK: Just remember to secure all your food before you go to sleep, otherwise it may attract bears to your campsite.

MAGNETO: Thank you, Ranger Rick.

RANGER RICK: No, thank you for helping to keep the forest a fun, safe place to visit. Well, good night everybody.

***

WOLVERINE: I'm looking for Jean! And I'll slash anyone who gets in my way!

RANGER RICK: Try over there.

WOLVERINE: Thanks, Ranger Rick.

RANGER RICK: And remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

SMOKEY THE BEAR: Bitch stole my line!

***

R. LEE ERMEY: Everyone, metal weapons are SO last year! This year, the latest craze is PLASTIC WEAPONS!

SOLDIERS: Say, since we're guarding the Cure clinic with Cure weaponry, why not just shoot all the mutants standing in line?

R. LEE ERMEY: WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION!?

***

MAGNETO: I'm going to send a video message to the American people telling them they won't be safe until I get what I want. Gee, I wonder what current event this is referencing.

FANS: So, to prolong the metaphor, does this mean the Cure is a cure for Islam?

MAGNETO: ...Okay, I really can't back that up. Still, EVIL!

***

MAGNETO: Right, now to use the Golden Gate Bridge to beat a path to Alcatraz. Hawtsome!

PYRO: But wouldn't removing the cables from a SUSPENSION bridge make it collapse?

MAGNETO: ...RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!

***

STORM: We have to stop Magneto! Wolverine, you're the hero, make an inspiring speech!

WOLVERINE: Do not go gently into the night. Rage, rage against the dying of the...

STORM: No.

WOLVERINE: And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence...

STORM: I don't think so.

WOLVERINE: There may come a day when the strength of men fails. When we forget our ties and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day! This day, we...

STORM: Nigga please.

WOLVERINE: We're X-Men. Defending a world that hates and fears us blah blah blah. Happy?

STORM: Much.

WOLVERINE: Right, let's get to steppin'.

***

MAGNETO: The Army is killing us with needles? What is this, a Cronenberg movie? Hey, Phoenix, you want to lend a hand?

PHOENIX: I'm taking a siesta.

MAGNETO: You're a big help. Now each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands! You will be the all important first defense wave, which we will call "Operation Human Shield".

CALLISTO: Hey, wait a minute...

MAGNETO: Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14? Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The Morlocks'. You will follow Battalion 5 here and try not to get killed for God's sake. Are there any questions men? Yes soldier?

CALLISTO: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

MAGNETO: I don't listen to hip-hop. Anyway, mwahaha, nothing can stand in my way.

WOLVERINE: It's morphin' time! Dragonzord!

BEAST: Mastodon!

STORM: Pterodactyl!

ICEMAN: Triceratops!

KITTY: Saber-Toothed Tiger!

COLOSSUS: Tyrannosaurus!

MAGNETO: Juggernaut, go kill Leech.

JUGGERNAUT: Wow, to accomplish your dream, not only do you have to kill a child, but a mutant child at that. Truly, what a vexing...

MAGNETO: MOVE!

KITTY: I don't think so.

JUGGERNAUT: What? They send one little girl to stop me?

KITTY: One little girl? Don't you know who I am? I'm the Shadowcat, bitch!

JUGGERNAUT: GAK!

KITTY: Well, well. Physics stops the Juggernaut.

***

STORM: Well, time for us to finish up our rivalry.

CALLISTO: Bitch, I spent seven bucks on Catwoman! I'm beating that money out of your hide!

STORM: Really? Do you know what happens to a minion when she gets struck by lightning?

CALLISTO: No, what? GAK!

STORM: Bitch gets owned.

***

QUILL: Hey, weren't you in 24?

RAO: Yes, I was.

QUILL: Well, I'm not going to bring that up again. I don't like NEEDLING people!

ARCLIGHT: Ummm... just pretend I came up with a really good quip.

WARREN WORTHINGTON II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES: I think you're the most effeminate man I've ever seen.

ARCLIGHT: I'm a woman!

WARREN WORTHINGTON II: BUD THE CHUD: The surgeon must not've done a very good job...

ARCLIGHT: I don't know why I went to all the trouble of taking you to the roof to kill you, but just die.

ANGEL: I think not!

WARREN WORTHINGTON II: THE TWO TOWERS: Warren! You saved me!

ANGEL: Subplot resolved!

***

WOLVERINE: Some cure needles? Do I use these against Magneto...? Yeah, I do. But first, Iceman, why don't you get some closure on that whole "started out as friends, winded up enemies" thing.

PYRO: You were never good enough for Rogue, Bobby.

ICEMAN: There's only one way to settle this, Pyro.

PYRO: I agree.

ICEMAN: Every night she walks right in my dreams
Since I met her from the start
I'm so proud I am the only one
Who is special in her heart
The girl is mine
The doggone girl is mine
I know she's mine
Because the doggone girl is mine

PYRO: I don't understand the way you think
Saying that she's yours not mine
Sending roses and your silly dreams
Really just a waste of time
Because she's mine
The doggone girl is mine
Don't waste your time
Because the doggone girl is mine.

ICEMAN: Your rhymes are weak, old man. Mine are funky phresh.

PYRO: Don't hate me 'cause you're not hip to my jive!

ICEMAN: John, we're not going to fight about this, okay?

PYRO: Bobby, I think I told you, I'm a lover not a fighter.

ICEMAN: I've heard it all before, John, she told me that I'm her forever lover, you know, don't you remember?

PYRO: Well, after loving me, she said she couldn't love another.

ICEMAN: Is that what she said?

PYRO: Yes, she said it, you keep dreaming.

ICEMAN: I don't believe it.

BOTH: The girl is mine (mine, mine, mine).

***

WOLVERINE: Colossus, time to fulfill your only plot function in this movie!

COLOSSUS: Mutants don't kill people, they just get other mutants going really really fast so THEY can kill people!

MAGNETO: What a surprise, your skeleton is still made out of metal.

BEAST: Blue power, bitch!

MAGNETO: Well, goddamnit.

PHOENIX: Oh, I'm in this movie? Right. Well, time to finish off the special effects budget.

QUILL: GAK!

ARCLIGHT: GAK!

SOLDIERS: GAK!

ALCATRAZ: GAK!

WOLVERINE: Lucky for me that although everything else disintegrates, she holds off on me long enough for me to heal. Still, OWIE OWIE OWIE OWIE OWW!

PHOENIX: What? You're healing! There must still be some special effects budget left.

WOLVERINE: Jean, though I've only known you for about a week, I think I love you! So what am I so afraid of? Oh yeah, the way you keep melting my skin off.

PHOENIX: Die! Die! Why won't you die!?

WOLVERINE: Because behind this mask there is more than flesh, there is adamantium... oh wait, I don't have a mask in the movies. You've walked down a dark path, Jean, and I can't follow. Because as it turns out, that path is ROUTE SNIKTITY-SNIKT!

PHOENIX: GAK!

WOLVERINE: The battle's done and we kind of won, so we sound our victory cheer. Where do we go from here?

STORM: Why is the path unclear? When we know home is near?

X-MEN: Understand we'll go hand in hand. But we'll walk alone in fear

WOLVERINE: Tell me...

X-MEN: Where do we go from here? When does the end appear? When do the trumpets cheer? The curtains close on a kiss, God knows. We can tell the end is near. Where do we go from here?

JOSS WHEDON: Oh, like it wasn't enough that they stole the Cure plotline from me?

BRETT RATNER: Ha! Looks like this time YOU got Jossed, Joss!

***

ROGUE: I got Cured! I can have sex!

FANS: Boo sex!

ROGUE: Oh, shut up.

WOLVERINE: Bittersweet ending, go!

ANGEL: Wendy, I can fly!

LEECH: I'm going to school! At the one place where I'm the most disruptive influence!

MAGNETO: And I might get my powers back, indicating that the Cure might not work. Thus rendering each depowerment in this movie meaningless.

XAVIER: And I'm not really dead.

PHOENIX: And I'm...

JEAN: Who are you?

PHOENIX: All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.

Died. I've died and gone to heaven. A heaveny heaven where heavenly things occur with frightening regularity.
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